The ebb and flow of friendships

Age 49: Day 11

 

It's 11:56 pm and I am in under the wire in meeting my daily blogging goal. Does writing just this line count? (Only kidding--kind of.)

So.  Friendships. Mine have always been the center of my  life, pretty much from age 7 or so on. Maybe all women feel that way, but I suspect it's more so for me--there's something about being single until age 48 that makes a girl rely on her friends (men come and go and all that...). I've had discussions with people over the years about the search for community--some people seek it in a church or synagogue, some in a shared hobby. Me, I've never felt a lack of community while I've been in New York City because I surrounded myself with such a tight knit group of bookish types who travel with me, laugh with me and have deep talks with me.

And yet. These friendships are changing, I am changing, and the role of friendships in my life is changing, too, though I never thought it would. Because I don't have a child, I never thought that getting married would take away from the emotional energy I devote to friends. Or have always devoted to friends. But now I'm realizing that perhaps I was naive. Because being married does change the role of friendships in my life--at least during this first year. My orientation is moving from friends to husband--and I feel guilty about that sometimes. Or, to be honest, a lot of the time. I always rolled my eyes at women who put men before their friends. I never wanted to be one of those women. But what I'm finding is that my emotional center is moving closer to my husband--and that scares me. My friends have always been my safety net--and I've needed that safety net through health scares, terrible heartbreak, job crises--basically, through day to day life. If I move my reliance from that net, don't tend to it as carefully, will I fall through when I need it again? Is this  just a phase of life, a readjustment that happens when you hit a new milestone (marriage/baby/etc./)? I don't know. But I'm struggling and flip flopping between the need to let this shift-toward-husband-as-best-friend happen and fighting against it. I need my friend insurance, don't I? Is it okay to put your attention elsewhere for a while? You would think I wouldn't be struggling with this at age 49, but when you remain single for years and years, celebrating holidays with friends, going to emergency rooms with friends, flying across time zones with friends, they become your family. So what happens when you're trying to figure out how to forge a new family, of husband and wife? How does everything fit together?

 

Below, a bevy of buddies singing about me and my husband at our wedding.